Thursday, January 17, 2013

A Return?

  After a long pause...

  The years have been rich with life.  I have learned much of myself, and this world we share.  When I started this blog, I was a young man searching for himself.  Maintaining relationships, making a living, and navigating life appeared to be difficult enough, without having to figure myself out in the process.  At the time I was devoted to being a better man, and making myself worthy of walking this earth. I did this because as a youngster, I was made to feel unwelcome as I was. This sentiment was ingrained in me, and tainted every decision, every choice, every goal, every aspiration I made. Years upon years I spent trying to hide faults or improve my character, trying to be more, yet never feeling completely at home, never feeling completely accepted.  More often than not I found myself finding comfort with a subtle discomfort.

  More recently, I recognized the idiocy of it all.  I saw clearly the young boy in me desperately trying to find approval from those I wrongfully elevated as gatekeepers of worth.   And that's all it took. But where has it left me?  Every goal, every aspiration was based on that lie. Now what?  What motivation remains, if it isn't what it has been my whole life.  Where is the guiding force that I relied on to overcome all the obstacles, achieve all the goals, gain the skills and develop my abilities?

  Is this a depression I have found myself in? A depression, not of sadness, melancholy, or grief, but of sheer emptiness.  The only reprieve I find from this emptyness comes when I am engaged in a task, but as soon as I still my body, the emptiness becomes apparent.  I've sat for hours looking into it, listening, all while the ticking of my wall clock passing through me.  What has happened?

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